Pat O’Shea shares her list of Toastmaster jokes.
You have been a Toastmaster too long if you’re calling the lectern a podium. On the other hand, you might have been a Toastmaster too long if you’re calling the podium a lectern.
You might have been a Toastmaster too long if:
You pick your political candidates by the absence of filler words.
You mentally time and expect all discussions in your life to end in 5 – 7
All of your friends complete their conversations in 5 – 7 minutes and you
are good with that.
You stop listening after 5 – 7 minutes and your spouse understands.
You get traffic tickets for running red lights and don’t understand why
because you stopped talking back at the intersection.
You applaud when the IRS tells you owe back taxes.
You know the difference between a lectern and a podium.
You have been in Toastmasters too long if you use vocal variation when you talk in your sleep.
You may have been a Toastmaster too long if
You heard Howard Brandt give his icebreaker speech.
You know how to operate the video camera.
When your newborn baby barfed her Gerber’s turkey dinner all over your
best suit, you just couldn’t help yourself from thinking: “Thank you
for that great speech; here are some areas for improvement . . . .”
The last time you came home, once again, late, with liquor on your
breath, instead of explaining it to your wife this time, you just said
“manual speech number 6″ and went to sleep on the couch. When you woke
up in the morning, you found her tiny folded evaluation sticking out
of your ear. But it wasn’t your ear.
The last time you got pulled over for running a red light, you
protested: “But, officer, I still had 30 seconds before I had to stop!”
As you’ve explained to your marriage counselor, your husband has no
right to be upset about your constant dagger staring, temper tantrum
dishes throwing hissy fits because you always use good eye contact,
effective body language, and good vocal variety.
Carl Hendrickson -
Why do Toastmaster drivers have so many accidents? — They think they still have one minute after the light turns red.
What is the difference between a Toastmaster and a Bull Rider? — A Toastmaster throws the bull and a Bull Rider is thrown by the bull.
And, speaking of bull, what do Carl Hendrickson and Brad Pitt have in common? — Nothing, absolutely nothing, but you know you have been a Toastmaster too longer when you believe Carl’s B S that they have something in common.
You know you have been a Toastmaster too long, when you think B S stands for Barb Sapienza or Brent Stewart.
You know you have been a Toastmaster too long when, as Ah Counter, you ding the Invocator for saying “ah men.”
You know you have been a Toastmaster too long when you volunteer to be Ah Counter because you consider it an “ah some” job.
You know you have been in Toastmaster too long when the highlight of your week is hearing Howard Brandt explain the difference between lectern and podium.
Finally, you have been in Toastmasters too long when you laugh at the foregoing stupid jokes.
George Kiser -
You might be a Toastmaster if you think that the General Evaluator is a cabinet post.
“You’ve been a Toastmaster too long if you write an evaluation of the sermon and hand it to the pastor as you’re leaving church Sunday morning.”
You might be a Toastmaster if “you shout ‘ding, ding, ding’ every time a political candidate says ‘uh’ or ‘um’ during a speech.
You might be a Toastmaster if you have learned to say madam/mister Toastmaster, fellow Toastmaster and honored guests.
You might be a Toastmaster too long if — your pauses are too long, your pace too slow and your speech is too short.
Pat O’Shea -
You may have been a Toastmaster too long if:
- You have to resist the temptation, while explaining a new procedure at work, to say, “Well, if Steve Winheim can do it, anyone can do it.”
- Your total concentration during the convention acceptance speeches was completely blown by the announcer calling the lectern a podium.
- While your boss is delivering news of impending lay offs at an all staff company meeting, you think your boss should get out from behind the lectern and lose the notes.
- You hold up Distinguished Toastmasters as role models for your children.
- You think the world would be a better place if everyone wore name tags
You might be a Toastmaster in need of therapy if, after the Olympics, you started wearing your ATM Gold name tag in public.
Dick Shields -
You might be a Toastmaster if you have a Tom Terrific statue on your dashboard.
You might be a Toastmaster if you are a millionaire and your financial advisor is Howard Brandt.
You might be a Toastmaster if Howard aspires to be a cheap as you are.
You might be a Toastmaster if you turn down Cardinals World Series tickets to attend a meeting at the Met Life building on Wednesday night.
You might be a Toastmaster if you are speaking to 500 people, cool as a cucumber, not sweating or shaking in your boots, and deliver your message confidently.
Tom Terrific -
1. Your wife tells you to take out the trash and you can talk for exactly 2 1/2 minutes giving her excuses as to why you can’t.
2. You bring your “ah” bell” home to ding all of the political speeches.
3. You go to a pot luck dinner and give everyone a written evaluation for all their dishes.
4. The regular meeting is canceled, so you go out in the yard and give your speech to the roses.
5. You wear a stopwatch around your neck and are known as Mr. /Ms. Punctuality.
6. You start quoting Howard Brandt in your conversations, “As Howard Brandt would say, ‘Who needs those filthy dogs?’”